At the End of Pain, Serenity.

Hello again, loyal reader! It feels good to write again after two weeks. You probably already know about most of the events surrounding but I’ll do my best to catch you up.

Following the start of my new palliative care-centred treatment, things were good. A very low dose of morphine was designed to help me deal with the nerve pain from my leg and eyes. A low daily dose of steroids also aimed to restore some energy and perhaps stabilize my system to resist leukemia and buy time. At first these proved mildly effective in that it kept the pain at least tolerable enough to power me through the necessary duties related to my friends’ wedding. It would take a lot of strength and willpower but I wasn’t about to let leukemia interfere with that sacred day.

Unfortunately the best intentions and love proved insufficient. Two days before the wedding I woke up in the most excruciating pain imaginable. Neither my minimum or emergency booster doses of drug could make a dent in it. I could only twist around on the bed in horror and despair while invisible torturers were scraping, slashing, hacking, pulling and shocking all nerve endings in my left leg and foot. If only I had the words to explain just how bad it was. My screams spoke for themselves: “NO! PLEASE NO IT HURRTS!! NOT THAT, PLEASE! I’LL DO ANYTHING! OH GOD LET ME DIE,KILL ME!!!”

Yes, loyal reader, your proud and optimistic friend was reduced to a sniveling, broken and panicked captive begging his wife and soul mate to kill him out of mercy and love.

Despite the trauma she was witnessing Erica had the presence of mind to contact both the palliative care coordinator and the emergency room at the Health Science Centre. Slowly and very carefully, teeth gritted against the pain we were able to get in a cab to the hospital. Thanks to the palliative nurse’s advanced warning to the ER, I was wheeled to a bed almost immediately where they started administering drugs by IV. Unfortunately none of the dosages or types of medication appeared effective. I couldn’t even handle the feeling of a blanket on my foot. Again I lost my will in a barrage of pain and was begging the nurses and Erica for death.

Eventually an ambulance came to transfer us to the L.A. Miller Centre’s 10-bed Palliative Care Unit. The drive felt like an eternity but we eventually made it. I was put on a bed in a private room on the third floor. Having been briefed of the situation, the nurses took care of Erica as they gave me some very strong sedatives that mercifully had me asleep within 15 or 20 minutes. From the rest of the day, I only remember waking up twice, once with a big tray of food on my table.

And so it was that I ended up spending a few days away from home at the PCU. By the time I woke up on the Saturday of my friends’ wedding, the doctors had finally found the right dosage and type of medication I needed. Instead of 10 mgs of pain killer a day, I require 240 mgs. Steroids needed to be doubled and various other drugs adjusted to protect my bowels, my mood, my stomach and my general well-being.

I’m looking forward to talking about the PCU itself and the amazing people who work there in a future post.

I spent five days at the PCU to make certain that my medication regimen is stable and what I need. I was allowed to go back home with a laundry list of pills to take every four hours. While it is wonderful to be back home, my stay gave me a lot of time to think and to connect with my loved ones. It has changed me, for the better. A lot of it has to do with my body chemistry now. I ‘m also looking forward to exploring these feelings through writing.

As I posted on April 26, Bryan and Janine’s wedding went wonderfully well. The evening before I ended up in the ER, they came to visit me to assure me that they completely understood that I couldn’t be there. What struck me on that visit was how sincere they were too. Two days before tying the knot all their thoughts and love were with me. Bryan especially told me that wherever I was physically, I was still a groomsman. And if you want to know what real true friendship is, consider that after leaving the ceremony, the whole wedding party got on the Party Bus to take pictures all over the city. Their first stop was the L.A. Miller Centre to snap some shots with Erica and I.

I wish them both the kind of love and connection I also have with my own soul mate. Erica has been by my side through all my cancer journey. But there’s nothing that could have prepared us for the emotional toll of that day when I screamed in agony for hours and begged her to end my suffering. Those things cannot be unseen or unheard. She was visibly shaken and a few times had to leave the room for a few minutes because it became too much. And yet, she was there and she stayed, talking to the medical personnel for me and being my guardian angel and guide through an almost literal hell.

The next day once the pain had disappeared, i was ashamed and wracked with guilt to have put the woman I love through that. Thankfully we talked openly about it. She was very scared but she just wanted me to no hurt anymore. Her love for me can’t be measured. No matter how incredibly emotionally demanding and torturous it was for her, she stepped up for me. Now that I am home, she is truly the head of the family. While my vision recovers (more on that in a bit), she organizes my meds, helps me walk to make sure I don’t trip, reads the things I can’t and so much more.

Another very important person with us right now is my wonderful mother in law Pauline who is staying with us for a while to help. She came in from Springdale the day after my admission and has since been a rock to her daughter and I. In all the ways she knows how she has a laugh with us, keeps the apartment tidy, takes care of our kitties. I can’t imagine how things would be without her. And right on time for Mother’s Day too. I’m very thankful that these circumstances have brought us even closer.

So there you have the gist of what’s been going on in the last two weeks. I meant to write sooner and to keep in touch with more of you via text messaging or Facebook but I have been plagued by blurry vision since the middle of last week that makes it very hard for me to read even on my iPhone. That’s why I’ve been functionally blind to the point I couldn’t even make my own coffee for a bit. It has been getting a bit better day by day recently and I do have an ophthalmologist appointment next Friday.

Thank you for your love, support and readership as always. Writing this blog helps tremendously and it lets me interact with so many of you out there. I hope you will join me again soon as we continue this journey together. I assure you that after what happened, I now feel happier and more content than ever in my life.